A Coping Mechanism For The Holidays: Let Them

A form of "Radical Acceptance," Let Them can make your holiday better

There's a lot of conflict in the world today; a lot of strained relationships. And, as someone whose credo is 'knowledge is power,' and also as someone who has often expressed the need for self-care (especially around the holidays), I want to share a NON-CONFRONTATIONAL technique introduced by Mel Robbins called "Let Them." It has helped me get through some challenging times, relationship-wise, and while I can't say it's new, it has been gaining traction, and I recently learned that it can be grossly misinterpreted -- leading to unintended and potentially irreversibly fractured relationships. I want to make sure that doesn't happen to anyone reading this.

Below I share a video in which Mel describes her Let Them theory. In a nutshell, she explains that YOU can't change anyone else unless they want to change. So, YOU need to accept them where and how they are and need to just let them be them (to do/behave in whatever way(s) you would like to change). There is, I believe, an inherent understanding that in some cases this may lead to a fundamental shift in the relationship paradigm. It's difficult to do, absolutely, but if you can shift your mindset, it can make dealing with these relationships tenable. This works across most relationship types -- parent/child, at work, regarding politics, etc... and worked for me just before I was going to seek out professional (psychological) help a while ago.

The Let Them podcast (about 45 mins)

A cautionary tale

As I mentioned above, and as you've noted if you watched the video, the Let Them theory is an internal control-management technique requiring YOU to reframe a relationship and its expectations so that you can better cope with it. Should you decide to employ this, do not make the mistake of making this about the other party in the relationship. Do not share that you are dissatisfied and then add that as you now adhere to the Let Them theory, you're done with the relationship (rejecting them) and essentially tell them to screw off. I didn't realize someone could interpret Let Them that way, but I just heard about someone doing just that, and right before Thanksgiving. It's a nightmare and I want to do what I can to save others the same seismic shitstorm which has ensued. Let Them is about YOU accepting a situation, not about trying to get THEM to conform to how you want things to be.

An outright rejection of anyone because they don't behave to your liking is never going to heal a relationship. Trust me on this -- this is my family's go-to move. Hell, it was MY move before I learned about Let Them. And, severing relationships just before the holidays is cruel and unforgivable, so just wait if you need a relationship to be over.

Now, as you begin this hopefully joyful and wonderful time of the year, please consider how to make the best of strained or disappointed relationships. Embracing the Let Them framework can help you cope with known friction by changing your perspective. If that is not something you can do, then let the "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything" adage be your North Star. And if that is realistically not feasible, do yourself and everyone else a favor and just extricate yourself from the triggering occasion. Please.

Wishing you all a peaceful, non-confrontational, and delicious holiday however you choose to spend it.

Xoxo